Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Thank You and an Explanation

Thank you all for your concern. The picture in the previous post is an aloe plant that was sitting in the backyard in the rain.

So here's my rambling, whining explanation of my poem.

I don't handle stress well and most of my stress is self inflicted. I am really very shy. I require tons of alone time to function properly. I have a tendency to worry situations like a loose tooth. I used to run from things I didn't like and now I have a hard time deciding when to walk away. I have been at my current job for over twelve years and I am mad at myself for not wanting to be there any more but the fact is the place is killing me. While I am more than capable of the work, it is not what I want to do. I feel guilty for not being more grateful and accepting of what I have but I feel chained by these things. I am mad because I feel like I am not appreciated and yet I am always asked to give more because I can. I have begun more new projects this past week which I know are in essence a great waste of my time because they won't make much difference in the grand scheme of things and yet they will eat up the energy I need to work on the plans I have made for the changes I want before my thirteenth anniversary and I never have enough recovery time so I was very miserable and cranky by the time Friday rolled around. None of the things I do to help manage stress (journaling, walking, meditation, deep breathing, praying, art, etc.) help with the tension. They just help to highlight how miserable the work/job makes me and that I need to get out because the cons are big and many and far outweigh the pros.

Aren't you glad you asked?


  1. Actually, I am glad the question was asked. Now you're on my prayer list, too!

  2. That is tough. I think twelve years proves you are no longer running away!
    I like Honest posts. So aim glad you were asked!

  3. I didn't ask.
    But if I've learned anything in life it's that if your unhappy with your job quietly start looking for another.

  4. We have a lot in common. I do not handle stress at all well. I have bipolar disorder. I tend to take on too much while in a hypomanic state and then implode. I do not want to be in nursing school but am doing it out of guilt to make my family happy. I'm actually sick and tired of being a caretaker for others although I've really never learned to take care of myself. I tend to self destruct. A few weeks back I deleted everything I'd ever written. I hadn't yet purged it from my recycle bin though and a few hours later my son recovered it.
    I've always been very shy too although becoming a curmudgeon has helped somewhat with that. Now I'm just more of a grouchy hermit! ;-)
    It sucks to be stuck in a dead job. It really does drain the life. Personally I would consider it a triumph even if I never got anywhere close to rich to just never have to punch a time clock again and to be working for myself.
    The word verification is "plebalan." that sounds like the way one of my Netherworld characters would mispronounce something.

  5. I often wondered if a butterfly feels stress when their wings get tired and sore from carrying to all those pretty flowers.

  6. I was just like you - only lacking the longevity in my job. Every day I felt more a shadow of my useful and productive self - belittled by my superiors and lessened in mind and soul each day I turned up to work.

    I say go for it Nessa - as was suggested, quietly lay your plans and try to follow them. I am not working now for the first time in my adult life, but am working on changing my entire career to something I can really do and feel good about. xo

  7. Nessa...I think you should follow your heart. If you aren't happy and things aren't working out there or you feel the way you do, why stay? I know it's easier to say that than actually go through it. Just stay strong and think positive always. It will get you through this. I think you also have plenty of friends in the "blogsphere" that will listen and help and that really care about you. Stand Strong My Friend.


  8. I didn't ask... but I'm glad you told! It sounds to me like it's definitely time for a career change - or at the very least a new place of employment. Nessa, life is way to short to stay somewhere that is making you THAT miserable. It's NOT a time (with our economy) to just quit -- but it's definitely time to be looking for something else! And I will pray for you - especially for a release of your tension.

  9. Doug: Ever sweet.

    Quilly: Your prayers are always appreciated. Thank-you.

    TTWC: I guess I have broken that habit.

    Dr. John: Your advice is always welcome.

    Lily: When I was in my mid-twenties I destroyed my entire portfolio. I wish they had recycle bins back then. I hope you get your wish and can follow your heart.

    Tom: But she gets better from all of the lovely friend nectar we get here.

    Tsduff: We can work together in solidarity. Good luck to us both.

    Thom: Thank-you for your support and kind words.

    Melli: Prayers and well wishes are always welcome.

    Thank-you all. Your kind words, advice, sympathy, prayers and most of all hope have helped me a lot.

  10. I feel your pain.
    I've been there too.
    It would have "killed" me if I had stayed. I left, but (too) late.
    I slipped into a depression, and it has taken ten years of my life to find myself again. Don't let it get to you the way it got me.

    You have only one life.
    There are other solutions if you're unhappy.

    Hugs xxx

  11. Jientje: Thank you for sharing with me. I will take your experience to heart.