Monday, February 20, 2006

Sick Leave

Thursday night I started getting sick again. I hate being sick. My sinuses were all clogged up. It makes my head feel like it weighs a ton. I didn't get anything done at work, so now I'm behind there. I slept all weekend, so I'm behind at home. I wanted to write more on my story and didn't do that. I wanted to do an entry for here. Oh, well, some additional sleep can't hurt.

I'm slowly getting back to normal. I think I'll just be nice to myself for a change and go with the flow instead of fighting against the current.

Friday, February 17, 2006


Garsh, I hope I haven’t really blown this out of proportion. Now, I’m afraid the hype is better than the movie. I’ve been so giddy, I suspect people think I’m losing it. I’ve had numerous blonde moments, entertaining the shit out of everyone around me. Here’s a sample:

We have live plants at work and a couple of them have not been doing well, evidenced by the abundant amount of yellowing leaves. They usually sit on top of filing cabinets right under the heating vents. Monday night, I moved them down onto a counter top. Tuesday morning, all of the leaves were green. Not a yellow leaf on either plant. I was ecstatic. I went to tell my fellow plant lady. I brought her over to show her the plants. I explained the whole thing to her, happy my idea worked so quickly. She listened to me with a straight face for as long as she could. Finally, she let me know she had pulled all of the yellow leaves off just before I got in that morning. I’ll pause now while you compose yourself…

The question I have been asking myself is, “Where do I begin?” I like numbers and linear things, and this seems like a good way to organize my thoughts, so I’ll begin at the beginning. Of course, believing in the interrelatedness of all things, I’m sure I’ll run off on tangents and go in circles, but that can’t be helped.

I have always had this idea in the back of my mind. I call it my genuine self. I remember quite clearly what I was like as a child and that memory, that vision of myself has been a lifelong goal for me. Even at the age of three and four, I was a solitary child. I managed to entertain myself for hours without end. Details engrossed me. I watched sand run through my fingers, bees buzzing around my head, mushrooms growing beneath giant pine trees. I listened quietly to the grownups around me, consequently hearing things beyond my years. Adults fascinated me. I enjoyed a freedom few children my age were allowed. I rarely connected with children my own age. I watched everything. I was then and still am now incredibly naive. Some who know me, say I have no common sense, but I disagree. I believe that the world is a wonderful, beautiful place and people are inherently good and I have only developed a keen sense of cynicism as a way to protect myself. I am also a staunch survivor.

Everything gave me joy as a child. I remember that. There are times now, when I experience that feeling, like when I go outside and the air sings around me, the sky a perfect cornflower blue, a slight breeze dancing across my face and if the world ended at that moment, I would die happy. That state of being in sync with the universe is the carrot I have been chasing.

As you all know, life sucks. Shit happens. We step in doodoo, other people throw crap at us, pooh is smushed in our hair, sometimes the choices we make put us in deep dung. (OK, enough with the fecal references even though I was having fun. [Ps. Jay: I wrote this paragraph before I read your story From the Bowels of Hell. Jung was right, there is a universal consciousness.])

My curiosity for adults led me into situations where I didn’t belong around the age of five and things went awry from there. The specifics are no longer important. But, that first damage to my soul lead to more, which lead to poor choices based on my personal learning curve and all of these things compounded into a person that was far from that original child that I recall so clearly.

Feel free to laugh at the following story, as it is funny. Around the age of sixteen, I had my first epiphany. I was miserable, depressed, ugly, fat, unlovable, a teenager. I tried to suffocate myself with my pillow. It was working, too, despite what you may think. During that brief milli-second between passing out and asphyxiation, God spoke to me, telling me not to give up. So, I haven’t, even though it seems like a long slog sometimes.

I knew I wasn’t right with the world and I began my search for the solution that would fix me. Of course, since I wasn’t sure what exactly was broken, I bounced from one idea to another without getting where I really wanted to be.

Thursday, February 16, 2006


I have been particularly silly over the last couple of days and inspired to write some rhyming verse that I thought I would share with one and all.

If you don’t know about Jay you must be dead or in a coma. Funny and talented, Jay did a VD card for his honey (check it out), which brought forth the following from me:

Hearts are red
Livers are blue
Organs are tasty
And easy to chew.

jax has been quoting from some classic writers that I have not read (Henry Miller and C.S. Lewis) highlighting my sorry literary education. I have been making a list and plan to upset my hubby by buying more books. jax wanted to write some love poetry to someone (?) but didn’t know how, so his friend Shrutz helped him out by providing a course called 1.2.3...A Fraud Guide to Instant Poetry. I took the course and graduated with flying colors:

An arm in a splint,
Breath needs a mint.
My heart feels like flint,
Sign me up for a whiteroom stint.
Why the bleak emotional tint?
Let me give you a hint:
I lost my belly button lint.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Disclaimers & Definitions

As I mentioned the other day, I had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago. I want to talk about that in the hopes of clarifying it for myself and possibly helping others who are struggling with addictions that seem to be unbeatable.

But first, I must do some disclaimers and definitions.

I use the term "he" in its universal sense. I hate seeing things like "he/she/it/they/those/we/you" when I am trying to read. I believe "he" has fewer sexual connotations, and is less gender specific, so that’s what I use.

I believe in God. We have a very personal relationship. Deal with it or not, as you see fit. You won’t change my mind and I won’t attempt to change yours. I am multi-denominational and non-denominational. I don’t think any one religion has a monopoly on God. I don’t think any one religion is right, and all others are wrong. It is my personal belief that God doesn’t feel that way either. I will refer to God without apology whenever I want.

I was raised a Catholic by a mother who thought she was excommunicated for marrying my non-Catholic father by a Justice of the Peace in a town hall. My father is some sort of Protestant, whose religious schooling consisted of tent revivals because they were fun. I have gone to many different churches, read many different ideas, checked out lots of options. No one view has satisfied me, so I pick and choose, based on my current needs. I will discuss my views with anyone who can keep their emotions under control. Since those people are rare, I don’t discuss my views on God a lot.

I am not a Politically Correct person. I believe if you speak, you should speak honestly as you see things. You shouldn’t cover up what you think or feel. But that doesn’t mean I believe in intentionally hurting someone. If I think by speaking freely it promotes understanding and a search for truth, I speak freely; otherwise I keep my mouth shut. Human beings classify everything. It’s how we learn; it’s how we make sense of our world. The fact that people are prejudiced (defined as a person classifying strangers in ways that make sense to that person) should not surprise anyone. I challenge anyone to find a truly non-prejudiced person. I say it can’t be done. I think we should allow open dialog so we can challenge people’s views of the world. It’s likely I will say something to upset someone. So, sorry in advance, it’s not intentional, but that brings me to my next statement.

I think people are their actions; people are defined by what they do. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions," said Samuel Johnson. I believe this. That is not to say intention is not important because it is. You should do things with intention. What I mean is, if you do something (let’s say you hit your child out of frustration) you are that action. You have hit your child. You may not have wanted to, you didn’t mean to, it wasn’t your intention, but you did it. And your child feels it. You did it, it happened. You can’t say, "I don’t beat my child because I didn’t mean for it to happen." Bullshit. You should feel guilty. If it wasn’t your intention to do it, you should find a way to fix it. If you intended to do it, well, then, it’s 100% on you. Intentional or not, accept the consequences of your own actions. All of this is to say, I believe in personal responsibility, even when it comes to the harm we do ourselves, and maybe even more so.

Two definitions from

e·piph·a·ny ()(-pf-n)noun
1. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
2. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: "I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself" (Frank Maier).

hy·per·vig·i·lance (-'vij-&-l&n(t)s)nounThe condition of maintaining an abnormal awareness of environmental stimuli

All of this is relevant to my epiphany, really.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

VD Tag

I was tagged by both lemontree and that girl in pink (such a sophisticated computer user that I am, I don't know how to link properly.) Since I was gone so long, I decided to save my response for VD as a tribute to my hubby.

The rules are:1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.2. You have to mention the sex of the target.3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.4. If tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again.

So, here we go:

1. Male, although he'd be happy to know that my fantasies include women.

2. Sense of humor: Besides being funny and entertaining himself, he has to laugh at my really stupid jokes (I call them jokes, but I'm really goofy. Sample joke I created which I'm still laughing about: Snow spelled backwards is wons.)

3. Don't laugh AT me, because while I know I'm goofy, I'm sensitive.

4. Excellent cooking skills. And the desire to do it everyday.

5. Space, as in MY SPACE, keep out. Until I'm ready, that is, for you to join me.

6. Courage: I'm a bitch and you can't be afraid of me, because really, I'm just full of shit.

7. Knows me well. So well that it doesn't take much time (if you know what I mean.)

8. Knows what true love means - sticking out the day to day crap that could kill a horse.

I tag everyone at Test For Echo

Monday, February 13, 2006

Time Flys!

Wow, I didn't realize how much time has gone by (over two weeks.) I apologize for disappearing, but I had some internal things to do.

I had an epiphany two weeks ago and I've been digesting it. It has to do with hypervigilance, which I have and which I think is a disease in and of itself and I think maybe some people use drugs/alcohol/food/sex/gambling/etc as a way to block the need to be on guard all of the time. It's an idea I am developing and sorting through to see if it's valid and so far it seems to be standing up to my scrutiny. I feel a greater sense of freedom since I blundered across this idea. I'll get back to you on this when I have it fleshed out.

I read Jane Eyre and The DaVinci Code. Jane Eyre was not as good as I remembered from when I was 12.

The DaVinci Code was fun. I can't figure out why everyone is so upset. People really need to chill, if this book causes them such angst. If you're looking for a light, entertaining read, this is a good one. I figured out most of the clues and codes and the plot line was easy. Just don't take it too seriously, as most of his facts are based erroneous information, forged documents, incomplete data and wishful thinking (despite what he claims at the beginning of the book.)

I saw Brokeback Mountain the night of the Super Bowl with my mom. I wish I had seen the Super Bowl. I thought the movie was boring, which upset my mom. She wanted to know why I became so insensitive all of a sudden. As I told her, the ideas in the movie: unrequited love, lost opportunities, secrets, people in love not being able to openly express that love, deceit, etc. are all excellent thoughts, it's just that the movie fell short and didn't do any of the ideas justice. I thought Heath Ledger's accent was dumb and phony and he looked like he had cotton in his mouth. The only character I cared remotely about was HL's wife and that wasn't too much. I know my opinion is not the popular one. I understand even Howard Stern liked it. I didn't.

Now, I have to catch up on everyone here. Jay, this is me saying hi from the dead. If I was better at remembering names I'd mention the guy who took a trip to Hades and back (was it Hercules? Permethyous?) or Dante's Inferno. Jenn, I missed you too. It's so funny you call me Nessa. That's what I was called as a child. I always liked it. Can't wait to see what everyone has written. And I see I've been tagged. I'll have to check out what that's all about. Anyway, I'm happy to be back.