Monday, May 15, 2006
Monday's Madness - The End Times
On May 31, 2006, life as we know it will cease on this planet. Yes, folks, the End Times are truly here. I know many people before me have made such statements, but they didn’t have my predictive powers. They were charlatans, scam artists, or deluded individuals. I alone know what the future brings.
All of the signs are plain and clear: severe weather conditions, radical climatic changes, people killing each other, loose morals, famine, epidemics and my hangnail, all things that have never happened before. Other people have based their prognostications on dreams, visions and voices they heard in the night. I, on the other hand, had a feeling, a really strong one and it occurred at the same time I got a paper cut. It was then that I knew my life was over. The feeling of impending doom grew as I worried that little slice in my finger.
For those of you that do not believe in God and an afterlife, I suggest you go bungee jumping and have sex with as many people as you can in the next 16 days.
Anyone who is not sure, but doesn’t want to take any chances of offending a possible Almighty One, send me all of your money and I will use it to support my favorite charity (yes, it’s me, duh.)
All of you true believers out there, you have just enough time to be nice to your kids, go announce your sins on the street corners and then wait for the spaceship that will take you to God.
I chose May 31st, 2006 as the last day of human existence because I am going on vacation from Friday, May 26th through Tuesday, May 30th. Wednesday is my first day back at work and that can only be considered a horrible disaster.