There's alot of talk lately about the end times. What with all of the wars and natural disasters, many people are sure we are going to bite the big one soon.
In an effort to set your minds at ease, I channeled Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce and Mother Shipton. They gave me some pointers to pass along to everyone for the coming year. Remember, don't kill the messenger.
Aries (March 21-April 19) You have a poor grip on existence and therefore find it necessary to lie your way through life. Making up stories is not ok if you believe they are true. You will spend this year ramming your head up against reality.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) There is a reason yours is called the sign of the bull. You are definitely full of it. No one is more self-righteous. This year you will discover that the ring in your nose is because you are not a leader but meant to be lead.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) The symbol of your sign is a set of Twins because you are schizophrenic. You are not a multi-tasker unless you finish something. Be prepared to spend most of this year talking to yourself.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) You are billed as astrology’s homebody but in reality you just can’t find the energy to put on clothes. You are crabby in public. If you put some energy in cleaning up, it wouldn’t be necessary to walk sideways around the piles of crap in your room.
Leo (July 23-August 22) You stand head and shoulders above everyone else. Your pride knows no bounds. Just because you are paranoid, doesn’t mean the rest of the world isn’t out to get you. Duck.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) Being an 80-year-old virgin isn’t cute. Knock the cobwebs off and give it up. No one will call you a slut. At least, not to your face.
Libra (September 23-October 22) Get your scales rebalanced if you intend to get through this year. Make a decision, any decision. The world won’t come to an end. Oh, maybe it will.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You can’t keep friends if you are constantly killing them with your poison stinger. Relax a little and enjoy some fun. Stop poking that thing in people’s faces.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Get the lampshade off of your head, you are not the life of the party. People are laughing at you, not with you. You are a few arrows short of a full quiver.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Always being as stubborn as a goat and looking for the greener pastures in someone else’s field could get you shot. You could also be more discerning in your diet.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Yes, we all know you are perfect. No really, we know. I swear, you are the pinnacle of humanity. I’m not kidding, you are awesome. Would I lie to you? There is no room for improvement. You can die now.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) This year you will discover how to have sex with yourself, thus achieving your greatest ambition of eating your own tail. You will demonstrate this new skill on international TV, satisfying your need to be the center of attention.