Tuesday, May 22, 2007


I identify with serial killers. That they look normal and fit in so well with middle class America does not surprise me. For a while, I thought the way I compartmentalized my life and my thoughts was odd but it turns out that we all do it. The BTK Killer goes to church, Bill Clinton gets a blow job without having sex, an acquaintance kills her grandchild blaming drugs and her errant husband and announcing her pregnancy to the court and I pretend I give a shit each day.

Exhaustion seeps from my pores like six cloves of roasted garlic eaten at lunch. I sleep at night but my dreams feature Russian trains, babies that give me lessons in Zen meditation, a dragon that curls around my ankles and my house in an old oak tree. Between fascinating vignettes, I wake up from bizarre flutterings in my arms, a pulled muscle in my neck and charlie horses trampling up my thighs.

These people down the street from my house keep blocking the sidewalk with their trash cans, branches from their backyard and their annoying existence. Neighbors on the corner keep all of their windows open and yell at each other and their dogs to shut up. I would so love to be able to snap my fingers and poof, they would be gone, never to trouble me again, but I believe in letting people be themselves.

When a cranky old man takes possession of your mind you should do your best to hide it and not parade the fact on the internet for the world to point at you and whisper behind their hands.


  1. Or write those crazy thoughts on a blog.

  2. Feeling a bit stressed, are you?

  3. Nessa, who amongst us has not felt ready to jump out of our own skin from some of what you've just outlined. Actually not everybody - but I have. So I may not identify with serial killers, but I do identify with what you're feeling.

    We all feel so different when the truth is we all carry some "human stain".

  4. I think this is the very reason I appreciate my move to a rural area... 18 years I heard boom boxes at the corner, police sirens and conversations from neighbors down the street. You have to learn to TUNE THEM OUT by finding a way to relax.

    I sewed. And drank wine. (Not at the same time... that would never work!)

  5. Phoenix: Oops, I forgot we never tell.

    Quilly: What ever gave you that idea? And here I thought I was hiding it so well.

    G: Yes, "jumoing out of my own skin." That's exactly it and on top of that, I feel guilty because I feel I shouldn't be feeling this way. Ugh!

    Mizmell: We plan on moving to a rural area in 2013, 6 years, 4 months, 9 days and 22 hours and 13 minutes from now.

  6. Life can be exhausting without our mini breaks... rose smelling moments, rain dancing and sun savoring....
    wind whispering love songs... butterflies and fields of flowering bouquets.


  7. Breathe, baby girl, just breathe.
    You are no more evil than most and by the way, I whisper like this about everyone I like.

  8. You need a vacation. From all this stuff and junk.

    Or maybe just some plastic explosives would work too.

    Be better soon.

  9. Hey, Nessa! I say "What better place to parade it"?! At least this way, you don't have to listen to the well meaning advice you'd get if you voiced it 'in person' to family and friends!

  10. nothin' more unsettling than bad dreams and/or worse neighbors. i feel for you, sweet friend, i really do.

    in all seriousness, have you ever considered trying Guided Imagery? BELLERUTH NAPARSTEK's stuff is among the best. this amazing woman has created an impressive series of CD's designed to help with everything from stress to surgery. not sure she's come up with a "How To Get Rid of Pesky Neighbors" exercise, yet, but i'm thinking you might find one or two of her CD's just the ticket to a good night's sleep and/or peace of mind. (what can i say, it's worked for me!) xox

  11. All winter long we feel secluded and long for neighbors near, then suddenly spring is in the air, windows flung open and noises are shared. Music that rocks from passing cars shakes the walls as well as my thoughts.I hear you, we shall ajust and then it will be fall, time to be reclusive once again..... :)

  12. I am afraid our dog is the oneneighbors wish would stop barking.

  13. well nessa theres not much i can say about that one!
    hope your keeping well!

  14. Nessa, given the choice between going to church in between killing people, getting a blowjob but no sex, and killing my grandkids, I'll take the BJ.

  15. Let it out, sister, lest it fester up and you ooze pus and goo!

    Nice image, huh?

    You are just being real and experiencing the human condition...I certainly can relate.


  16. I dreamt that Richard Gere was installing tile for me the other day. Dead serious.

  17. I like the word "Dona." We get the word "donate" from it.

    Donate to us some freakin' PEACE, You Dammit!

    But in the last analysis, I guess we need to bequeath that to ourselves, don't we? That compartment falls to us to establish and then to fill.

    Great post, Nibby.

  18. I can identify with your post. I used not be able to compartmentalize very well, and my life was a mess. I spent a good deal of time worrying and obsessing about some indiscretion whether large or small; then, I learned to compartmentalize. Most of time I do not appear to be a cranky old man because that remains in the inner recesses of my mind. Sweet Dreams...

  19. I dreamt that I was constantly mistaken for Richard Gere, and because of that I was forced to install tile for people I'd never met. I also vaguely remember small diesel engines kept ruining the grout, leaving deep little tracks all over my spread. Then a lolpossum showed up...

  20. Nessa, I know you're stressed - but you make even stress sound beautiful. I love, love, love your dreams - mine are grey and mundane.

    I think I have a teeny crush on my new boss. What do you think I should do?

  21. On the flip side...I now earn enough to actually contemplate coming to see you next year!

  22. I swear I left a comment on this post. I think what happened is that I read it then had to dash off to work. Where I live it is almost a requirement to lead double lives.

  23. I love your dreams. So vivid and silly and profound all at the same time.

    Oh, and I would also love to have that power to just go poof, and then they're all gone :)

  24. Something about reading "Bill Clinton" and "BTK Killer" in the same sentence just warms my heart.

    On the other hand, it could have been "blow job..."

  25. Katie: You are right. I took a four day break and feel better now. Thanks.

    Logo: Breathing is a good thing. I felt evil because I felt ungrateful, which I definitely am not.

    TLP: Explosives…an interesting idea, in a figurative way. I must go BOOM.

    Jackie: My family and friends would have had me committed last week if I had dared breath a word…

    Neva: Thanks for the info. I will look into her stuff. I love guided imagery.

    Pauline: You always put things so beautifully, so poetically.

    Dr. J: I don’t mind the dog barking. I mind the people yelling at the dog to be quiet. It’s like hitting a child to get them to stop hitting other children. It makes no sense to me and jars on my nerves.

    Tina: Thanks, I’m feeling better and your last joke helped.

    Mal: Well, I don’t blame you in the least for your choice.

    Chikky Baby: I like to pick at the sore and make it ooze. Bet you do too.

    Diesel: That would be a nightmare for me. I don’t like Richard Gere. I makes me feel cheapy.

    Gawpo: Yoose iz berry wise, oh, swammy. We are our own worst enemies.

    Mjd: It is a handy ability to have, but sometimes can cause way too much disconnect.

    Bunk: Ok, I said RG is scary and now you bring lolpossums into the mix. I’ll be hiding under my pillow tonight.

    Jenn: You need to join me then in the Collective. I’ll share. Normally, I would say, “Don’t play where you get your pay.” I suggest starting out with some kickass fantasies. And a visit would be so great!

    Grunty: I often confuse my internal world with the “real” one.

    John: I don’t want to wake up many times because I find my dreams so interesting and vivd and exciting and way more fullfilling what I wake up to, which is why I was depressed for like two whole weeks.

    Al: It’s hard to focus when all of the interesting ideas begin with a “B.”

  26. I read this a bit too quickly. Now whenever I eat garlic I'm going to be thinking of Clinton getting a blowjob in the Oval Office.

    Gee. Thanks!! :(

  27. Dan: Doesn't garlic go with everything?